Why is it so difficult for me to sit down and write? I am an English major, someone who loves to express herself through writing, at least in theory. I am completely capable of thinking outside the box in order to make a new argument and make my mark on the world of academia. I can place my voice in the character of another to portray emotion for one who has been silenced. But I am utterly incapable of using my own voice to express my own thoughts and feelings for others to hear. I fear that what I have to say is invalid. I am burdened by the ears that seem to grow ever larger and more frightening with each word that escapes my mouth. I am afraid that love does not, in fact, conquer all, and that I will be left alone by those who see me for who I am, my soul bared and raw. Or worse, I fear that I will turn around and realize that there was never anyone listening to begin with. After all, who am I that anyone should be mindful of me? When all is said and done, it is just easier, neater, safer to suck it all back in and say “I don’t know.”
And there are so many things I really don’t know. I don’t know why God places people in our lives without revealing to us why or for how long they will be there. I don’t know why we so desperately need to be loved by one another but always expect the worst from those we love the most. I don’t know what it looks like to really be vulnerable with someone, to understand what it is like to be a part of a mutually loving relationship and yet somehow trust in the unknown. I do not know why we are given a picture of perfect grace compared with which everything else in our lives seems so broken.
But maybe that brokenness gives us wounds from which we can pour out our very lives so that we might understand what it is to be filled with the healing blood of the greatest author of all.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Fear of Man
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." ~Isaiah 55:9
I am beginning to realize just how hard it is for me to believe these words.
My head tells me that there is truth in the promises You make, that the plans You have for me are better by far than anything of my wildest imaginings. My mind's eye can see all the ways in which You might use me, might mold me into the child You want me to be. I understand that there is nothing for me in this world if I do not have You.
But my heart is yet sinful. I place my hope not in You who will never fail me but in the people who always seem to let me down. My heart aches to be loved, to be filled with tangible faces, even if it means trading in Your completeness for a broken image of Your grace. I fear their judging eyes and sharp tongues, but even more, I fear their absence. Amidst this crowd of people, I still find myself alone.
Yet it is here, in this loneliness, that I can hear Your voice calling me to Your side, calling me to fulfill Your dreams at the expense of my own. Grant me the courage to toss aside all that I hold dear in pursuit of that which will never let me down! Return to my soul the only life worth pursuing!
I am beginning to realize just how hard it is for me to believe these words.
My head tells me that there is truth in the promises You make, that the plans You have for me are better by far than anything of my wildest imaginings. My mind's eye can see all the ways in which You might use me, might mold me into the child You want me to be. I understand that there is nothing for me in this world if I do not have You.
But my heart is yet sinful. I place my hope not in You who will never fail me but in the people who always seem to let me down. My heart aches to be loved, to be filled with tangible faces, even if it means trading in Your completeness for a broken image of Your grace. I fear their judging eyes and sharp tongues, but even more, I fear their absence. Amidst this crowd of people, I still find myself alone.
Yet it is here, in this loneliness, that I can hear Your voice calling me to Your side, calling me to fulfill Your dreams at the expense of my own. Grant me the courage to toss aside all that I hold dear in pursuit of that which will never let me down! Return to my soul the only life worth pursuing!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)